The Post Which Saw A Movie

This Post Includes –

• A review of the first thirteen minutes of Dhoom 2
• Some flak aimed in the general direction of dumb hindi movies.
• And more of the same.

I have a confession to make – I am not a movie person. I do not watch too many movies. Give me a TV serial, if its interesting enough, i’ll go through seasons upon seasons at a go. When occupied so, I hate leaving the warm, comforting radiation of my monitor, even for a second. The captivating glow of my monitor just seems to draw me in, and i lose all track of time.

*sighs, recollecting all those glorious night-outs for watching every last episode of some or other sitcom*

But i digress. Back to the point. I dont watch too many movies. Maybe the odd one a fortnight. Most of these movies are in english. The rest are in spanish, portugese, french or some other weird-ass language, which I need subtitles for. But once a year, something special happens. And I am not referring to the guy in my wing having his annual bath. I watch a hindi movie about once a calendar year. With this year almost up, and the annual hindi movie not seen yet, I decided to look around. Just checking my options out, you see.

What choices did I have? There was Apna Sapna Money Money. A movie so retarded, it was criticised by even those die hard hindi movie watchers. You know, those guys who choose to switch their brains off for a whole two and a half hours. Just to watch some numbskull fancy-pants actor stutter his way through badly-written dialogue. To see some scantily dressed pseudo-babe pretended that she gave a rats a$$ about the movie, putting up a constipated face and expecting the audience to believe that she is in pain. Eh, just the same rot you find in every hindi movie.

Where was I? Oh yes, Apna Sapna Money Money. Ruled out. Next on my list – Vivah. “Vivah is about the sanctity of marriage … The depiction of the changes in the way of thinking and behaving once you get engaged … an absolute must see for everyone who can speak hindi, or can get hold of the subtitles… Movie of the friggin YEAR!” Some People enthused. The very same Some People whom I dont really like much, right now. A movie on marriage? How about that?

Look around, you see enough of it. Guys cheating on their women, disillusioned with marriage, cribbing about how she bugs him to death. Women crying on others shoulders, cribbing about how he doesnt really listen to her anymore. Enough already! I watch movies for entertainment. I most certainly do not appreciate movies telling guys not to marry hot, wonderfully awesome babes. Jeez!

Vivah. Ruled out. Last on my list – the movie which sold out the most in theatres, a week back. Apparently. A movie which had people going “Who needs a Bond flick when you have this?“, “Bollywood has finally come of age!“, “Mind-blowingly Awesome!” and “Movie of the friggin YEAR!“. Apparently. A movie which boasted several superstars. Apparently. A movie which combined gut-chilling thrill, adrenaline-inducing action and a ton of sentimental crap to moot. Apparently. Such a movie which had no parallel either in India, or anywhere else in the world. Or so They said.

So, I got Dhoom 2, plugged my headphones in, cranked the volume suitably up, settled my posterior comfortably in the chair and started the movie. The next thirteen minutes, I went from Comfortably-Glum to Mildly-Amused, right through Unfortunately-Elightened to Unspeakably-Horrified. Suddenly, my good sense came back to me. I threw my headphones away and switched the monitor off. By god, those thirteen minutes were disgusting.

Sky-diving onto a TRAIN in the middle of a friggin desert? A face mask to impersonate a Queen? Dodging bullets while surfing on SAND? Sand, for heavens sake? SAND? Deflecting bullets with a two-by-four-foot board? Using a bike to jump onto a luxury liner? Shooting a thousand times as accurate as the bad guys? Attending calls from pesky wives while being shot at? A world where the laws of Physics do not apply and nonsense makes more sense than sense itself? What was I supposed to be watching, Alice in friggin Wonderland?

How many people walked into theatres – tickets in hand, dumb smiles on faces, brains switched off and drool all over their popcorn – to watch this nonsense? Quite a lot, apparently. This movie was the top rated movie across theatres in this messed-up country. I know in every heavily populated country, there are always a few people with their mental balance a bit off. But for crying out loud – just how many are there?

Obviously, I base this ‘review’ on the first thirteen mind-numbing minutes of Dhoom 2. I havent seen the whole movie. If anyone would like to defend aforementioned sucky-movie, please do so. I havent flamed anyone for pretty long. I absolutely love flaming in poetry and I have a few wicked rhymes ready in my head. Wicked, wicked rhymes. *rubs hands in anticipation*

-> Badrinath.S

P.S.: Why dont more people get their sorry heinies onto the DF? With the number of jobless people around, you would think atleast some of them would stop orkutting for a mere five minutes, and post something tangible on the DF.

P.P.S.: After a bit of searching, finally managed to find a way to get two awesome games I had played years back – Seven Kingdoms II and Escape from Monkey Island.

Currently Listening To : DragonForce

Their Best Song (imo) : Through the Fire and the Flames